If you’ve taken my class, you know Judi Ketteler. I’m a huge fan of her essays and I often cite them as examples in my classes. I also highly recommend subscribing to her Story Economy Blog for a treasure trove of information related to crafting compelling stories.

This month, I wanted to hit her up for advice about being honest on the page. After all, she knows all about honesty. Not only has she been sharing her truth in essays for more than a decade, but she also just finished writing an entire book on the topic of honesty.  So without further ado, here’s some intel about “truth” from the only person I know who dug deep into the subject.

Q: In every class I teach, the question that comes up most often is, “how do I share my truth without hurting the people I love and care about – or maybe even the people I don’t?”
A: I thought about this A LOT while writing my book. I cleared up most of the worry by being transparent. If someone was sharing their story with me – whether it was sensitive or silly – I promised them they could approve what I wrote. So in a way, I was free to write without second-guessing, because I knew that they would be able to look at it first.

Some topics I covered – like my Catholic upbringing – might be less-than-well-received by people. I didn’t talk very kindly about my all-girls’ Catholic high school, for example. But I was writing about my experience. There were some areas where I didn’t care about offending people, and other areas where I cared very much. In the areas where I cared a lot, I either shared it with them first, wrote about it as respectfully as I could, kept the person anonymous, or decided not to write it.

Q: What advice do you have for writers who are concerned that what they write could negatively impact someone they care about? Or that could be unpleasant for him/her to read?
A: The biggest question is: Can you share it with the person first? If the answer is no, ask yourself why the answer is no, because that will crystalize some things. Is it a no because you are afraid to show them? If you are paralyzed by fear of how someone might react, to me, that’s a sign that you shouldn’t write it.

Or . . . is it a no because you don’t know the person/have a relationship with them, so sharing it with them would be weird? In that case, can you keep it anonymous? I tell some stories in the book that involve acquaintances, or people I had some brief social encounter with, and they are not necessarily positive. But I still wouldn’t want to hurt those people. So I kept them unrecognizable.

Or finally . . . is it a no because the person is your kid and it’s too adult for him/her? I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately because my kids are growing up. When they were babies, I felt like I had complete freedom to write whatever I wanted about them. That seems naïve now. I’d like to go back and tell myself from 10 years ago to be slightly more careful (though I don’t think I wrote anything about my kids when they were babies/toddlers/young school-age that would truly embarrass them). I pay closer attention now, and I won’t write about my kids unless I can tell them what I’m writing. I gave my kids a brief synopsis of what I said about them in the book. Honestly, they lost interest about halfway through the conversation. I do worry a little that something may embarrass them later – like when I write about the “sex ed” conversations that my son and I have had. At 10, the kid is not embarrassed by any sexual question! But at 13, well, he may be. I can’t exactly figure out what to do about that. Other parts of the book would be hard for them to read – like things that happened between me and their dad. They might look at me differently. I wouldn’t be wild about them reading that stuff anytime in the near future. But as adults? Absolutely.

Q: Since honesty relies in large part on memory, how do you handle situations where your memory fails you and you aren’t able to rely on journal entries?
A: I do my best to reconstruct the events and conversations. We all walk around with versions of events in our heads, and whatever I write is only going to be my version. Ideally, if you compare a bunch of peoples’ versions of the same event, the basic facts will match (though, of course, we know that’s not always true). You can check the facts of something – the year, who was present, etc. – but at some point, you’re going to fill in a bunch of gaps.

Regarding memory, I am lucky. I’ve kept a journal, in some form, all my life. I also had my honesty journal. That helped me accurately recount my thoughts and conversations from the point where I started the journal onward (when I was really focused on honesty). But all of the anecdotes from the past? I did my best to go back to that moment and relive it. At least once in the book I wrote something like, “this may not be exactly what I said to my kid in this moment, but it was the spirit of this,” because I wrote out this whole conversation between my son and me, and I was like, oh man, I’m sure this isn’t literally what we said! Can I make this up in a book about honesty?! But I knew it was close.

Q: Have you ever used a pen name for sensitive subjects?
A: No. I’m oddly invested in my name! I only want to write under my own name . . . but that is just me. There is nothing wrong with using a pen name.

Q: Have you ever been blasted for being honest?
A: I wrote a piece for the New York Times about navigating Instagram with my son, who was then 9 (he’s now almost 11). I walked through how we came up with the rules for him, and how I wanted to be the one who showed him how to use social media. The comments were overwhelmingly negative. People called me terrible things. Kids using social media is polarizing. Parents are scared to death of it. I am, too. So my solution was to just get right into and try to figure it out with him, because keeping it from kids is nearly impossible (unless you are locked down and have complete control over everything they do and see when at friends’ houses). I thought my transparency about the whole thing was a great approach. Others didn’t.

Q: How did you handle the aftermath?
A: I went through a bunch of stages. At first, I was amused by the negative comments. Then they got mean and personal and I felt hurt – angry, too. It also made me second-guess my decision. Were they right? After a few days of working through the emotions (I did stop reading comments after about 150 terrible ones), I realized the comments said far more about the commenters than about me. It was about people’s own fears of social media and this generation of kids. So I just tried to channel compassion. I thought: What if I could just sit down and have a conversation with them, and maybe hug them? How would that change it? I held that feeling for about a week and then I mostly let it all go. I still second-guess if letting my kid use social media is right (I talk about this in the book), but none of us actually knows what we’re doing. That’s oddly comforting.

Q: Has writing this book changed how you conduct your relationships? Has it changed what you choose to write about?
A: It has definitely changed how I behave in my relationships. I communicate more directly with people than I used to. While I am still worried about hurting people’s feelings, now, I realize that there are all different kinds of ways to hurt people, and one of them is not being direct, or failing to say the hard thing. I’m more likely to put myself “out there,” so to speak – to come clean about something versus letting it fester. It’s so simple, but it’s like magic in how honesty (and the required vulnerability) busts a situation up and removes all the toxic air. I find that in any given day, I have at least one exchange that I know I am handling differently now than I would have before I started my honesty work.

Q: And the most important question of all, when can we get your book? 
A: You can read a bit more about the book and follow links to pre-order on the “honesty book” page on my site.

It’s me again …
Don’t forget to tell your friends about the upcoming classes in May and July. Your referrals have brought me some of my best students. Why? Because they’re people just like you!

If you know someone who would benefit from this course now is a great time to sign up. Anyone you refer will receive a 10% discount and you will receive a free personal coaching call or 10% off the Alumni course. Spaces are limited for both so reserve your spot today!

Happy Writing …
a